In breaking news just in, parents are shocked to learn that Santa is under investigation from Australia’s Highest Safety Authority for multiple environmental, moral, and safety violations.
Authorities are warning that a cease work order will be issued and that Christmas will remain on hold until corrective action is taken.
Nervous parents are being warned to expect an onslaught of tantrums and other wild behaviour from children and, quite possibly grownups who were hoping to save a penny or two this Christmas. Meanwhile, Politicians are encouraging mums and dads to maintain the Christmas spirit and continue their shopping sprees.
Authorities were alerted when it became apparent that some letters to Santa included requests for electronic devices, motorised scooters and skateboards, and other life threatening equipment. Concerns were raised even further when it became apparent that Santa would continue to deliver surf boards despite recent events suggesting the activity is unsafe and unwarranted.
Authorities have sighted many obvious hazards in their own letter to Santa including but not limited to, the danger of toys falling off his sleigh and hitting children or dogs on the head.
The national food safety authority has also voiced concerns over the levels of bacteria in food left for Santa, uncovered and fly ridden for hours on dining tables throughout the nation while The National Heart Foundation expressed morbid horror at the quantity of cakes that are offered to Santa during this stressful time.
Police have stated that they feel powerless to randomly breathe test Santa or indeed his reindeer despite the large number of empty whisky glasses left lying around. The Police Commissioner has also conceded that it is unclear whether Santa’s sleigh is fitted with seat belts but stated that neither do school buses in this day and age. The Commissioner did state that under no circumstances would police pursue Santa’s sleigh as this could endanger public sentiment.
The Christmas Festive Member Employee Union (CFMEU) have also issued a statement questioning why workers cannot use tools before 7am yet children are permitted to ring bicycle bells and bang on drum kits at 5am on Christmas day.
Other individuals have questioned Australia’s privacy laws and how they apply to Santa. Some lyrics have claimed that “he sees you when you’re sleeping”, while various litigious individuals cited threatening stanzas such as “you better watch out, you better not cry”, in their quest for financial betterment.
Well known religious organizations with close ties to Christmas have highlighted several moral concerns. Witnesses have reported seeing mothers kissing Santa while parent groups have noticed Santa delivering large piles of presents to children regardless of whether they’ve been naughty or nice.
On a brighter note, children have been mostly happy with Santa’s performance over the years. Some of the older children interviewed today did mention that Santa does seem to favour families with bigger houses and better cars however, the younger children argued that Santa only favoured those that ‘were more gooder’.
Recent updates indicate that Santa has yet to respond to any of the accusations and that work at the North Pole appears to be continuing as normal despite the concerns.
myosh staff have chipped in and decided that this Christmas they will be sending Santa a free copy of their globally recognised safety management software including an iPad 9 so that all incidents and hazards, good or bad can be duly logged and monitored to ensure the safety of everyone this Christmas.
Have a safe and merry Christmas.